This Space Has Been Reserved For Future Use

Hey all,
As some of you may already know, I will be doing my TG Internship at Trinity United Methodist Church in Lagrangeville, NY this summer. I've decided that keeping a detailed journal of my thoughts, observations, and...err... feelings will serve me well both during the internship and in the future. So I will be utilizing this space more this summer as a place to talk about my experience.
So far, from what I've been told by Pastor Eumin, is that I will definitely be experiencing an internship that will be much more different than any of the other internship sites. Because this site is a very age-diverse congregation, I will most likely be experiencing a whole plethora of events during the course of the internship.
I am very excited about this opportunity and am looking forward to what God has in store for me to learn.

New Horizons to Explore

Well now, what have I been up to for the past few weeks?
Mostly a lot of drama.
Mostly a lot of drama at church. It's been an interesting couple of weeks, to say the least.
I've been having a lot of trouble lately finding a faith community to be a part of. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that it is due to the fact that I'm feeling obligated to fulfill a responsibility which was thrust upon me at the beginning of the year. I've been meaning to move away from church for the longest time, but have not been able to because of the high number of changes that our church has undergone in the past three years. Some of you may feel that I'm just making excuses, but the fact remains, I'm not the only one who felt that way.

I've felt like nothing more than a cog in some huge evangelizing machine for the past year. No one really notices that you're there, let alone that you need help. The only time someone notices is when you stop working, or disappear altogether.

It's been a hard couple of months for me.

Thankfully, I've found a stable group of people outside of church to be a part of. I've met a lot of new faces in the past few weeks and reacquainted myself with some old ones.

In other news...
No matter who won the NCAA tournament, it will always be remembered as Mason's year. You know it, so don't hate.

-edit- Don't you love it when your title ends up having nothing to do with your entry? Maybe that's why you're supposed to come up with one after you finish your writing. Oh well.

I'm in Luv Wit' a... Shut the hell up.

    Every once in a while, there comes a song which shakes the very foundation of my faith in the American culture. Usually this shaking is due to the ridiculously crappy nature of a popular song. Once again, the airwaves and our ears have been (dis)graced with such a song. The title of this song, (as you may have already guessed from the title) is "I'm in Luv [sic] (Wit' a Stripper)." by T-Pain and Mike Jones.
    Why this song was even given a chance to break onto the radio is nothing short of a miracle. I mean seriously. Not only is the beat the most annoying one to have come out in recent memory, but it just plain sucks.
    That's it.

Up Late... Rambling Thoughts...

    What the heck am I doing up so late? No idea.
    This past week has been an interesting one for me. A lot has happened in my life. I was talking to G earlier tonight, and was telling her that I think I'm at a similar point in my life as I was at last year at this time. I dunno, it's been hard at the store recently. A lot of stuff has been going down. Most of it has been problems with one of the other partners in the corporation. Conflict of philosophies and ways of operating the business. It's amazing to see how money can come between people so easily.
    In all honesty, I'm burnt out from work.
    I've been running that store and on-call from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., 6 days a week, for the past two and a half months. On a related side note, I'm sorry to all my friends that I've seemingly blown off, ignored, or otherwise been out of touch with for the month of February. Honestly, the moment I got home at 11-ish, I was too tired to deal with most people. In fact, there was one week in there where I wasn't online at all. The other weeks... uhh... sorry I was ignoring you all. :-D
    Anyway, as a result of the conflict, my mother and I have indefinitely extracted ourselves from the daily operations of the store.
    Amazingly enough, God provides. My mother is back in the groove of things in her old business and meeting with clients again who are booking weddings for this upcoming year. I have also received word that I may have a real "office-ey" kind of job lined up that I could work at before leaving for school in the fall.
    We played a game at the Teachers' Fellowship today. We were asked to come up with a couple items which can be used to describe us. The list of things was as follows: a color, an animal, a dance move, a sound, a movie, a book of the Bible, and a car. My list was as follows: silver, dog, salsa, railroad crossing bell, Proverbs, and the Mercedes S55. I left the movie one blank because I could think of one on the spot. But if I think about it now, I would definitely pick "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
    I watched "Eternal Sunshine" again tonight. Every time I watch it, I am reminded of myself when I watch Jim Carrey's character, Joel.
    At the beginning of the movie, he is a timid, plain guy. But through the meeting of Kate Winslet's character, Clementine, Joel is able to break out of his shell. The relationship became very blas?.
    Now I'm tired. I shall continue these thoughts later...

Welcome back, Me.

My, my, my... it's been a while, hasn't it?
My life, as of late, has been quite hectic. Between the starting of a new store (we'll get to that in just a minute, actually)and applications, it's definitely been an interesting ride, as of late. There were a LOT of things that I actually did want to type/write about. I just couldn't find the energy, nor the desire to follow through on it.

Suddenly, I'm starting to see my "old" self come back into being. I honestly don't know what happened to me between then and now. I think part of me tried to "suppress" the fun side of me. The "wild" side, as it were. Yes, Virginia, I do have a wild side.

I feel so stifled from working with youth, and having to "set a good example." It's like I had to put up this mask of a "holier than thou" person in order to be an effective leader. It's been hard. It's stymied my personal growth. It's ultimately been an unhealthy experience for me.

There's a point where you need to draw the line between your personal life and your ministry life. Unfortunately, I feel as if that line has been broken and one has let the other bleed into it. What has resulted is somewhat of a disturbing hybridization of the two.

Because of this mixing of lives, I feel that I have been more prone to burnout than I have in the past. Yes, that's how I would describe my current state of being.

I am officially burned out.

I love serving the youth. Well, maybe past tense is the best way to put it...
I loved serving the youth.

But there came a point when I just didn't feel that desire to serve anymore. Maybe it's been blocked out. Maybe it's disappeared. The point is, my heart isn't there anymore. I feel so drained.

I dread Sundays now because I seriously don't feel like leading a Sunday School class. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have some of the most obnoxious boys in the entire youth group. Maybe it has to do with the people I'm working with. Whatever it is, I don't like church anymore. Note clearly, I said "church" not "Church."

I'm not getting what I need from it.
I'm not giving what I should to it.

Today, my mother and I stopped by church to help wash the dishes after some sort of commemorative service. I had fun. I loved serving people - serving God - without need or want for affirmation. What this has to do with anything, I don't know. But I know that for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed working on/at something in church.

But it's getting too late. Continue later, perhaps?