Redemption. Return. Forgiveness. Repentance.

We all screw up.
We all make promises to God. Don't we?
How many of us have broken that promise?
How many of us have broken that promise twice... thrice... a couple hundred times?

"Dear God, I promise not to cuss, even if am angry as shit... oh fuck... oh wait... aww shit... damn not... damn it! Okay God, seriously, I promise not to cuss starting... now... promise... okay? For serious okay?"

The thing about God is that His grace, love, and mercy are infinite.
Everytime we screw up, God is there waiting for us to ask Him to help us up. All you need to do is ask. God WANTS to help us. God is ACTIVELY seeking us out.

He never hides from us. We are the ones who hide from Him.

The only thing we need to do is earnestly want to change in our hearts. God cares about the state of our heart. He wants us to come back to Him.

Have you broken a promise to God? Maybe something happened. Maybe you couldn't keep the promise. Maybe someone made you break your promise.

Have you asked God to forgive you for that broken promise? God's waiting. No matter how much you screw up, God's love for us and patience for us and grace for us is infinite. Like the Father in the parable of the Prodigal Son, He sheds all of His majesty, all of His status as creator of the universe, all of His status as I AM to come running to find us.

All you need to do is ask God to forgive you and then make the promise again.
With God it truly is "forgive and forget."
He wipes the slate clean every time He forgives us.

Make the promise again in your heart and God will honor your heart.

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Cor. 6:12

Death is Defeated By an Empty Tomb

Jesus Lives.
In spite of the sentence of death as a consequence of OUR sins... Jesus has risen.
Jesus has paid the price for our sins and has defeated death.
Therefore, we are no longer bound to the yoke of sins and the consequences of those sins.
So arise! Cast off your shackles!
We are free at last.
Thank God almighty, we are free at last.

Jesus is Dead

That's right. Jesus is dead.
Jesus is dead because of you and me.

You liar.
You cheat.
You oppress the less fortunate.
You rob your fellow man of basic freedoms.
You cheat on your spouse.
You are willing to step on others to fulfill your own greedy ambitions.
You have committed war crimes.
You run red lights
You killed that person when you drove home drunk from the party.
You hold contempt for your siblings because your parents always loved them more than you.
You beat your wife and children.
You stole money from your mother's purse.
You lie to people to get your way.
You steal from people to get what you want.
You rapist. You murderer.
You thief. You dictator.
You betrayer of men.
You treasonous person.

Jesus is dead because of all these things you and I have done.
Jesus is dead because He took the blame for all of the sins you and I have committed.
That's right. What Jesus did was this:

You Jesus is a liar.
You Jesus is a cheat.
You Jesus oppressed the less fortunate.
You Jesus robbed his fellow man of basic freedoms.
You Jesus cheated on his spouse.
You Jesus is willing to step on others to fulfill his own greedy ambitions.
You Jesus has committed war crimes.
You Jesus runs red lights
You Jesus killed that person when he drove home drunk from the party.
You Jesus holds contempt for his siblings because his parents always loved them more than him.
You Jesus beat his wife and children.
You Jesus stole money from his mother's purse.
You Jesus lies to people to get his way.
You Jesus steals from people to get what he wants.
You Jesus is a rapist. You Jesus is a murderer.
You Jesus is a thief. You Jesus is a dictator.
You Jesus is a betrayer of men.
You Jesus is a treasonous person.

In those minutes before Jesus died, all the pain, all the guilt, all the shame, all the consequences, all the blame... it was all placed on Jesus.

Jesus is dead because of you and me.

Jesus is Dead

That's right. Jesus is dead.
Jesus is dead because of you and me.

You liar.
You cheat.
You oppress the less fortunate.
You rob your fellow man of basic freedoms.
You cheat on your spouse.
You are willing to step on others to fulfill your own greedy ambitions.
You have committed war crimes.
You run red lights
You killed that person when you drove home drunk from the party.
You hold contempt for your siblings because your parents always loved them more than you.
You beat your wife and children.
You stole money from your mother's purse.
You lie to people to get your way.
You steal from people to get what you want.
You rapist. You murderer.
You thief. You dictator.
You betrayer of men.
You treasonous person.

Jesus is dead because of all these things you and I have done.
Jesus is dead because He took the blame for all of the sins you and I have committed.
That's right. What Jesus did was this:

You Jesus is a liar.
You Jesus is a cheat.
You Jesus oppressed the less fortunate.
You Jesus robbed his fellow man of basic freedoms.
You Jesus cheated on his spouse.
You Jesus is willing to step on others to fulfill his own greedy ambitions.
You Jesus has committed war crimes.
You Jesus runs red lights
You Jesus killed that person when he drove home drunk from the party.
You Jesus holds contempt for his siblings because his parents always loved them more than him.
You Jesus beat his wife and children.
You Jesus stole money from his mother's purse.
You Jesus lies to people to get his way.
You Jesus steals from people to get what he wants.
You Jesus is a rapist. You Jesus is a murderer.
You Jesus is a thief. You Jesus is a dictator.
You Jesus is a betrayer of men.
You Jesus is a treasonous person.

In those minutes before Jesus died, all the pain, all the guilt, all the shame, all the consequences, all the blame... it was all placed on Jesus.

Jesus is dead because of you and me.

f(x) = 1/x where x=God

My, my, my...
It's been a while, old friend.
I *almost* forgot that I had this blog site in additon to my Xanga.

I'm not too sure why I haven't felt like writing much in recent weeks. Yes, that does mean that my Xanga has been somewhat semi-active. For some reason, I don't seem to have the energy to put to (virtual) ink and paper my daily thoughts. It's funny, in a way. I live every day with various thoughts and make little mental "post-it" notes that a certain observation or circumstance or happening would make for an extremely clever and witty blog post. Maybe it's a sign of my ADHD getting a little more severe because I end up forgetting about the entry.

I guess one thing that has been consuming my thoughts as of late has been the concept of love. A couple days ago, a friend asked me if I thought that it was possible for a human to love another human in the true "agape" sense. I forgot how I answered her question. See what I mean? My ADHD or whatever the heck is going on with my brain is getting increasingly severe.

(10 Minutes Later)

See what I mean? I suddenly got the urge to go get an iced coffee from Starbucks. So I just up and left and got back.
This is bad. This does not bode well for my future seminary career. Oh well.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right... Love.
So, is Agape love possible from a Human?
I think this depends on how "binary" you see this concept. Funny thing is, whether you see something as "binary" or not is actually "binary." You either agree or you don't that you agree or you don't that Agape love is possible from a human.

As it stands now, I don't believe humans are capable of agape love. Now to those cynics out there who are about to nod in agreement, a caveat. The reason I do not believe humans are capable of agape love is because of the imperfect nature of humans. I believe that the only being in this universe who is capable of such a perfect love is God. Now, this does not mean that humans can't come close. I do believe that there are people out there who are capable of loving someone 80%...90%... 99.9% of how they should be loved.
It's like the concept of an asymptote in math. We, as humans, are able to approach X where X=God. However, we will never reach X because of the mere fact that we are not God.

I think those people who are able to approach loving someone 80-99.9% of how they should be loved are the ones who are able to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. Now, to be fair, I know a lot of married couples who end up not being able to celebrate that particular milestone simply because his or her spouse has passed on before that milestone arrived... but you get the point.

I often find myself wondering if my concept of love is over-idealized. But then I realize that the mere fact that this concept is in my heart testifies to the fact that there is a certain expectation that is inherent in my being. I read something compelling in Korean a couple days back. I forget exactly what it says (attributed to my horrible memory, once again), but the premise was that even though people say there is no such thing as true love these days, the mere fact that they have an expectation that isn't being met attests to the fact that it does exist.

Think about all those love songs, romantic movies, and all other secular notions of love.
Now, think about the old adage "there is some truth in fiction."

You see, even the most cynical person who has become hardened and jaded about love has become so because he or she had some expectation which went unfulfilled. That there is some expectation that went unfulfilled shows that the notion or the concept exists.

Okay, I've run out of steam for now. Let's see what you all think.

This Space Has Been Reserved For Future Use

Hey all,
As some of you may already know, I will be doing my TG Internship at Trinity United Methodist Church in Lagrangeville, NY this summer. I've decided that keeping a detailed journal of my thoughts, observations, and...err... feelings will serve me well both during the internship and in the future. So I will be utilizing this space more this summer as a place to talk about my experience.
So far, from what I've been told by Pastor Eumin, is that I will definitely be experiencing an internship that will be much more different than any of the other internship sites. Because this site is a very age-diverse congregation, I will most likely be experiencing a whole plethora of events during the course of the internship.
I am very excited about this opportunity and am looking forward to what God has in store for me to learn.

New Horizons to Explore

Well now, what have I been up to for the past few weeks?
Mostly a lot of drama.
Mostly a lot of drama at church. It's been an interesting couple of weeks, to say the least.
I've been having a lot of trouble lately finding a faith community to be a part of. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that it is due to the fact that I'm feeling obligated to fulfill a responsibility which was thrust upon me at the beginning of the year. I've been meaning to move away from church for the longest time, but have not been able to because of the high number of changes that our church has undergone in the past three years. Some of you may feel that I'm just making excuses, but the fact remains, I'm not the only one who felt that way.

I've felt like nothing more than a cog in some huge evangelizing machine for the past year. No one really notices that you're there, let alone that you need help. The only time someone notices is when you stop working, or disappear altogether.

It's been a hard couple of months for me.

Thankfully, I've found a stable group of people outside of church to be a part of. I've met a lot of new faces in the past few weeks and reacquainted myself with some old ones.

In other news...
No matter who won the NCAA tournament, it will always be remembered as Mason's year. You know it, so don't hate.

-edit- Don't you love it when your title ends up having nothing to do with your entry? Maybe that's why you're supposed to come up with one after you finish your writing. Oh well.

I'm in Luv Wit' a... Shut the hell up.

    Every once in a while, there comes a song which shakes the very foundation of my faith in the American culture. Usually this shaking is due to the ridiculously crappy nature of a popular song. Once again, the airwaves and our ears have been (dis)graced with such a song. The title of this song, (as you may have already guessed from the title) is "I'm in Luv [sic] (Wit' a Stripper)." by T-Pain and Mike Jones.
    Why this song was even given a chance to break onto the radio is nothing short of a miracle. I mean seriously. Not only is the beat the most annoying one to have come out in recent memory, but it just plain sucks.
    That's it.

Up Late... Rambling Thoughts...

    What the heck am I doing up so late? No idea.
    This past week has been an interesting one for me. A lot has happened in my life. I was talking to G earlier tonight, and was telling her that I think I'm at a similar point in my life as I was at last year at this time. I dunno, it's been hard at the store recently. A lot of stuff has been going down. Most of it has been problems with one of the other partners in the corporation. Conflict of philosophies and ways of operating the business. It's amazing to see how money can come between people so easily.
    In all honesty, I'm burnt out from work.
    I've been running that store and on-call from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., 6 days a week, for the past two and a half months. On a related side note, I'm sorry to all my friends that I've seemingly blown off, ignored, or otherwise been out of touch with for the month of February. Honestly, the moment I got home at 11-ish, I was too tired to deal with most people. In fact, there was one week in there where I wasn't online at all. The other weeks... uhh... sorry I was ignoring you all. :-D
    Anyway, as a result of the conflict, my mother and I have indefinitely extracted ourselves from the daily operations of the store.
    Amazingly enough, God provides. My mother is back in the groove of things in her old business and meeting with clients again who are booking weddings for this upcoming year. I have also received word that I may have a real "office-ey" kind of job lined up that I could work at before leaving for school in the fall.
    We played a game at the Teachers' Fellowship today. We were asked to come up with a couple items which can be used to describe us. The list of things was as follows: a color, an animal, a dance move, a sound, a movie, a book of the Bible, and a car. My list was as follows: silver, dog, salsa, railroad crossing bell, Proverbs, and the Mercedes S55. I left the movie one blank because I could think of one on the spot. But if I think about it now, I would definitely pick "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
    I watched "Eternal Sunshine" again tonight. Every time I watch it, I am reminded of myself when I watch Jim Carrey's character, Joel.
    At the beginning of the movie, he is a timid, plain guy. But through the meeting of Kate Winslet's character, Clementine, Joel is able to break out of his shell. The relationship became very blas?.
    Now I'm tired. I shall continue these thoughts later...

Welcome back, Me.

My, my, my... it's been a while, hasn't it?
My life, as of late, has been quite hectic. Between the starting of a new store (we'll get to that in just a minute, actually)and applications, it's definitely been an interesting ride, as of late. There were a LOT of things that I actually did want to type/write about. I just couldn't find the energy, nor the desire to follow through on it.

Suddenly, I'm starting to see my "old" self come back into being. I honestly don't know what happened to me between then and now. I think part of me tried to "suppress" the fun side of me. The "wild" side, as it were. Yes, Virginia, I do have a wild side.

I feel so stifled from working with youth, and having to "set a good example." It's like I had to put up this mask of a "holier than thou" person in order to be an effective leader. It's been hard. It's stymied my personal growth. It's ultimately been an unhealthy experience for me.

There's a point where you need to draw the line between your personal life and your ministry life. Unfortunately, I feel as if that line has been broken and one has let the other bleed into it. What has resulted is somewhat of a disturbing hybridization of the two.

Because of this mixing of lives, I feel that I have been more prone to burnout than I have in the past. Yes, that's how I would describe my current state of being.

I am officially burned out.

I love serving the youth. Well, maybe past tense is the best way to put it...
I loved serving the youth.

But there came a point when I just didn't feel that desire to serve anymore. Maybe it's been blocked out. Maybe it's disappeared. The point is, my heart isn't there anymore. I feel so drained.

I dread Sundays now because I seriously don't feel like leading a Sunday School class. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have some of the most obnoxious boys in the entire youth group. Maybe it has to do with the people I'm working with. Whatever it is, I don't like church anymore. Note clearly, I said "church" not "Church."

I'm not getting what I need from it.
I'm not giving what I should to it.

Today, my mother and I stopped by church to help wash the dishes after some sort of commemorative service. I had fun. I loved serving people - serving God - without need or want for affirmation. What this has to do with anything, I don't know. But I know that for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed working on/at something in church.

But it's getting too late. Continue later, perhaps?

The Worst Boyfriend in D.C.

So I was in the car last night on the way to Melting Pot with G, and we were listening to the radio. Unashamedly, we were listening to HOT 99.5. The "Freek Show" with Julian (who, by the way, has one of the most annoying voices a male could ever have, in my opinion) was on. The night's competition was for DC's worst boyfriend. To which G casually interjected, "maybe I should call in too." We laughed it off. Soon the women started calling in with their respective horror stories.
My goodness. We were both shocked and amused at the same time. Take, for instance, this one young lady, whose boyfriend, I'm sure, was definitely in the running for top dog (pun intended). The list of horrors read like a pathetic excuse for a Hollywood bad boyfriend character. This list included, but I'm sure was not limited to, always conveniently "forgot" his wallet when eating out, the days he remembered he would "treat" her to the Dollar Menu at McD's, and once, he showed up drunk to a dinner with the young lady's parents.
Okay, the extreme nature of the story aside, where the hell do these ladies find these guys? Furthermore, what exactly is the appeal? The caller mentioned, at one point, that she thought she could "change him" and that she could see "his potential." Oh please. The always forgetting his wallet should be a dead giveaway.
Another story was about this one young lady who had been dating her (now ex) boyfriend for six years. Then one day he said, "I love you." The next day he disappeared (presumably on some hedonistic adventure). On the third day (forgive me for the phrasing) he broke up with her.
Anyway, we never did find out who the worst boyfriend in DC was. Apparently the coveted prize was a live call to the offending party in order to force them to participate in a broadcasted declaration that the lucky winner was indeed the worst boyfriend in the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Area. The idea being that it would effectively remove him from having any possible future chance with a lady.

Questions for discussion:
1.) Where do you draw the line between "has potential" and "drop like a bad habit?"
2.) Is this characterization transferrable to the opposite gender (i.e. females)?
3.) Have you had similar experiences, whether personal or second-hand? Discuss.
4.) What is the cause for the seeming prevalence of losers?

The Day After Yesterday

The voters of Virginia have spoken. They have agreed that the Grand Old Party is no longer grand, nor is it a party.
I like to call it the "Bush Halo Effect."
Rejection due to association.
Har har har.

Fast forward to today (Wednesday).

Had one of, if not the, best night I've had in a long time. Great restaurants are a million times better when you're in good company. Thanks, G, I had a really great time. I hope you did too!

BTW, the servers at Melting Pot are really nice people. The food is great too. I highly recommend it for a nice, low-key night out.

Okaly dokaly.

Election Day

Today is election day. This means, for 98% of the country, it's Tuesday.
However, if you live in Virginia, today is the day to pick our new governor.
Let's take a look at the candidates, shall we?

Tim Kaine - Democrat, BA in Econ. from U. Missouri, JD from Harvard
Jerry Kilgore - Republican, BA in Business & P.A. from UVA-Wise, JD from W&M
Russ Potts - Independent, BA in Journalism from UMD

Kaine will continue the administration of Warner, who is the most popular Virginia governor in over 15 years. Warner was able to come into the state and fix a lot of the fiscal irresponsibility which had spread throughout the administrations of former governors Allen and Gilmore. With Kaine, Virginia's reputation as the best managed state in the union would surely continue.

Actaully, i don't care about the other two.
Haha.

It always amazes me when I hear that the average voter turnout in the United States is as low as it is. CNN told me (and yes I believe everything that CNN tells me, since Dan Rather doesn't work for them) that since 1945, the average voter turnout hovers around 48%. CNN further stated that this number places the United States behind 113 other nations in voter turnout. Click here for the data. I wouldn't go as far as to say it's "sad," but the incongruency between America's foreign policy and its culture leaves much to be desired. It's fitting that it is the same bloc of uneducated voters (haha get the joke? bloc of uneducated voters? No? nevermind.) who vote along party lines are the same ones who helped usher in the current administration who has chosen to overlook the sad state of the American electorate today.

Along the same lines, Mark Warner in 2008? Perhaps. He's got my vote!

Bored

I have been increasingly bored and uncaring about school in recent weeks. I'm not exactly sure what's going on. It's not even that I don't enjoy my classes. I enjoy most of them and actually learn from them. Sigh.
This weekend was really fun. It's what I've been craving/needing for the past few years. Meeting new people is always fun. Like I've observed many times in the past few days, (a revelation, if you will) I think the extrovert in me, which had been suppressed in the past few years, is starting to re-emerge. I've found myself more willing to initiate a conversation. Yeah, it's still hard, but I'm getting there.

Fun Times...

Dear Internet Community,
Sorry for this really lame "what I did today" post. But it was so damn fun, I just had to share...

Well, after a stressful and mentally numbing week (not really, that's just a rationalization for staying out late tonight), I was able to enjoy some (at least in my view) well-deserved leisure time. So, after putting the final touches to my German Business Culture "report," I headed out the door to meet up with Joe Hong at Tysons. After a long debate about where to eat dinner, we settled on the Food Court on 3. My Great Wraps! wrap wasn't so great. We hung around and stopped by church to drop off my car so we could carpool to Murky for Sam's CD Release party. I met a lot of really great people tonight, which was definitely a highlight of the evening. After the music faded, we headed over to Hard Times Cafe for some food and drinks. Had my first Guiness. I think there was something wrong with the tap because I tasted a slight metallic aftertaste. (Is that normal?) I was disappointed that there wasn't a distinctive flavor to the beer. Nice texture though.
After grabbing some grub, we headed over to Option in Maryland for some Karaoke-ing. I debuted "Yellow", busted out my "Wonderful Tonight", did a duet with Sam on "Wonderwall", and a duet with Joe on "Dust in the Wind."
Also did a duet with Ru-something on "Dancing Queen." Had lots of fun. Only lame part was the place closed at 1:30. So having arrived there at 12:30, we only got an hour to sing.
Oh well, no worries, still had good times all around.

Haha, i'm such a dumbass... I forgot to get your phone number...
Oh well.

On a related side note... is it bad that I compare other women to the one I have deemed in my mind as being close to perfect for me?
And yes, that means there IS someone... in both categories...

A Surge of Literary Inspiration

Thresholds

There is a place I know
That lies at a crossroad of life
It is here my dreams meet my reality
It is here my wants meet my haves

There is a place I know
That joins two moments in life
It is here my past meets my future
It is here my eyes meet my road

Though my road has been long
Though my path has been rough
I find solace at this place
Where my life takes on new meaning

There is a place I know
That reveals the road ahead
It is here my mind must be made
It is here my heart must commit

There is a place I know
That covers the road behind
It is here my soul must let go
It is here my thoughts must be freed

Though the road will be long
Though the road will be rough
I find comfort at this place
Where my heart is ready to press on

It is here that I have found myself
It is here that I have found my soul
It is here that I have found my path
It is here that I have found you

19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn - by Dave Barry

1) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2) If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7) No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8) When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10) Never lick a steak knife.

11) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12) The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13) You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17) The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19) Your friends love you anyway.

Hell or High Water

Today, during my many bouts of procrastination, I sat and wondered what exactly I am capable of.

How far would I go to make the one I love happy?
How far would I go to save my ass? (reputation-wise)
How far would I go to save my own life?
How far would I go to save the life of the one I love?

"Hell or High Water" was the phrase which popped into my head when I was thinking about others. I would go through Hell or High Water for her.
Flaming hoops, poison-tipped spiked-hurdles, huge vats of steaming hot acid...
Okay... maybe not THAT extreme. Not to downplay the lengths I would go, of course.

I'd probably drive hundreds of miles at the drop of a hat, if necessary.
I'd fly to the other side of the country, if necessary.

Haha what a clich?d entry.

I read this article from the Wall Street Journal. The whole article was on the conveyance of love within relationships and families.
It opened with a very touching story.
In a family where the words, "I love you" were commonplace, a father told his daughter, as she was going out the door, "Remember, I love you!"
The daughter replied, "I love you too, dad."
Little did he know, that would be the last time he would see her alive. She would die later that day from a car accident.
Later, the father recalled how thankful he was that the last words he would ever speak to his daughter would be a reminder of his love.

I'm always hesitant to tell people, particularly the ones I am not related to, that I love them.
Another one of my fears is that I would lose the ones I love without ever having told them directly, "I love you."

What I Want(ed) to be When I Grow Up

Here is a list of things that I have wanted to be at one point or another so far in life.
Some of these are still on the "would like to do" list...
1.) Firefighter
2.) Policeman
3.) Doctor
4.) Lawyer
5.) Newscaster (broadcast journalism)
6.) Elementary School Teacher
7.) High School Teacher
8.) Principal
9.) Band Teacher
10.) Navy Officer
11.) Journalist
12.) Writer
13.) Biomedical Engineer
14.) Urban/City Planner (Systems Engineering)
15.) Corporate Clone
16.) Psychiatrist
17.) Psychologist
18.) Network Engineer
19.) Entrepreneur (Small Business Owner turned Multi-National Conglomerate Executive)
20.) College Professor
21.) Pastor
22.) Army Chaplain
23.) United States Senator

My Timing Sucks...

I think I have the worst luck when it comes to timing.

I had this great awesome plan all worked out this past May.

It was solid. Foolproof, even.
I had accounted for everything. Or, so I thought.
I had forgotten the human factor.

The first signs of my flaw appeared as a small crack.
Really, nothing big. It patched itself up.

Unbeknownst to me a huge gash was forming, hidden, away from my view.

Then it happened in July. The first piece fell.

Little by little, my plan cracked and tumbled with every passing day.

Then, the heat of the August sun started to beat down on me. Long days passed.
The heat left nothing untouched. It affected all.

By September, it had become but a mere phantom of its original grandeur.
I tried futilely to rebuild. But it had been damaged beyond repair.

All that remains of it is the foundation of hope upon which it was built.
The hope from then has now become the hope of rebuilding the plan in the future.

This hope is what sustains me every day.

Dealbreakers

What is a dealbreaker, you ask? A dealbreaker is, ceteris paribus, one of the things that will make me immediately lose interest in you.

So... here goes...

1.) If you disrespect my family, no matter how weird or quirky we may be, you're disrespecting me and who I truly am. You can go screw yourself.

2.) If there is any picture of you on the Internet where you are
    a.) rowdily drunk
    b.) dressed like a hoochie
    c.) naked or otherwise indecent
If you have a picture like this, you obviously have some issues, whether it be severe inferiority or some other exhibitionistic tendencies. And please, don't tell me you dress like that because it makes you feel feminine or whatever. It's like Dave Chapelle said, don't wear a whore's uniform if you are not a whore. It is possible to be sexy and classy at the same time. Don't ask me how. I don't have time.

3.) If you disrespect my aspirations in life. Sorry, if you have a problem with what I want to do with my life then you can take your opinion very far away from me.

4.) If your primary response to things I say is "whatever." If you're responding like this, you obviously either don't care to hear what I have to say, you don't know what I'm talking about, you have no opinions of your own, or you think you're always right. There's a couple other things that "whatever" could mean, but, whatever.

5.) If your priority in life is to marry a rich guy and plop out babies, cook, and clean for the rest of your life. Sorry, just not attracted to the stay-at-home mom types. It's nice and I respect it. Just not my style.

6.) If you constantly patronize, belittle, trivialize, or underestimate me or everything I say. This is pretty much self-explanatory.

7.) If your relationship with your parents singularly consists of shouting, criticizing, yelling, etc. No matter how well-adjusted you may think you are, 99.9% of the time, it affected you and it will come out.

8.) If your idea of "fun" is to go to a club and get as wasted as humanly possible. There is more to life than killing brain cells. The occasional drink or two or three or four or five at a low-key party is nice. The occasional going out to the club or bar for a drink or two with a friend is nice. Binge drinkers need not apply.

9.) If you think the prospect of going to a museum or other similar low-key venues is "gay and boring" I guess this is kind of a sugar coating/icing qualifier. Going to the mall to shop is fun. Walking around town window shopping is fun. If this is the extent of what you consider fun, I just hope you're open to doing other things as well. If not, well... I'm sure you're a nice girl.

10.) If you bump, grind, or freak dance on a regular basis (closely related to #8 and #2)

11.) If you don't like dogs or animals in general. If the prospect of having a German Shepherd or a Yorkshire Terrier is not appealing to you, then there is no future for us.

12.) Try to change me into what your little mold of what you think I should be. (closely related to #6) If you don't like me for who I am, then it'd be better if we didn't progress beyond the acquaintance phase.

13.) Big feet. A quirky thing. I just don't find girls with big feet attractive. By big, I mean... anything larger than women's size 9.

14.) Heavy makeup. This kind of goes back to #2 and #8.

15.) Everything that comes out of your mouth is sarcastic and/or cynical. Sarcasm is just unattractive.

16.) Attention-starved. Please don't say things to make me like you.

17.) Your Korean sucks. I speak Korean pretty fluently. I would want you to, as well.

18.) You don't like Korean food. How can you not like Korean food.

19.) You think Annandale is the best Korean food on the face of this planet. This means either A.) you don't have a good palate (and therefore cannot taste or detect all the MSG) or B.) Your mom doesn't know how to cook. Maybe one is the result of the other, who knows.\

20.) You take advantage of my niceness and dick me around.

Anyway, this is a work in progress. Don't judge yet. Certain individuals have informed me that this seems more rant-like than anything. Like I said, it's a work in progress.